the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
