mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
