i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
