you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
