community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
