Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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