Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
