I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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