He asked to "fluff my boner.."
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?