i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed