I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
