So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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