Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
