im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
