____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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