Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
