my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize