Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
