i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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