We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
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I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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