I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I forget how to act sober
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