My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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