It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
