My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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