please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
