He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
