my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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