Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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