I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
