My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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