I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
