I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
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