I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
