Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
