I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
