I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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