and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
