I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
