you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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