Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
