You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I want a musical about memes.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
