see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
