can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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