I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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