He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
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I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
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