Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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