He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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