I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he fucked my hip out of place.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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