You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
