My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
