Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
