i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
