How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
