Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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