I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
