if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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